Super Bowl LV in LV Seconds


The title says it all, habibis. I, a non-football fan but deeply nostalgic American, am here to compress 4 hours of the Big Game’s events into something you can read in under 1 minute. I also just Googled who’s playing! Kansas City Chiefs (QB: Patrick Mahomes) vs. the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (QB: Tom Brady). Any presence of Tom Brady energy forces me to call it for the Buccaneers. Which leads me to my final question for Google:

So I’m really here for the ads, and I hope you are too. In fact, we polled the team to create our Top 5 Super Bowl commercials of all time, and then at the end of the game, you’ll see our Top 5 from tonight. We’re LIVE! First up, from the archives…

#1 Apple’s “1984” (1984)

#2 Budweiser’s “Puppy Love”

#3 Reebok’s “Terry Tate” (2014)

#4 Snickers’ “Betty White” (2012)

#5 E*Trade “So easy a baby can do it”

Now, to the game.

  • WOW. Are there a lot of people in the stands or? Okay, turns out 30,000 (of the 55,000) of them are human/pet cut outs. Each of these seats sold for $100, and those lucky enough to grab their spot/upload their pic of choice were also entered to win tickets to next year’s Super Bowl in LA. Anything involving positive plans for the future, here for it.
  • The President and First Lady open the game with a Covid-PSA and moment of silence for lives lost in the past year + brave healthcare workers. This…
  • Segways into the NFL’s own campaign: “IT TAKES ALL OF US.” (FYI, the NFL has committed to donating $250,000,000 to help end systemic racism.)
  • National Anthem performed by unknown-to-me country star Eric Church + soul sister Jazmine Sullivan. Jazmine has taken us to church. Her voice. Her VOICE.
  • 6:32 pm: I have yet to see a good commercial. 
  • KEEP IN MIND: There are 7 commercials in the SB this year created in-house, no Creative Agency involvement. This spells trouble (L-A-M-E). See if you can spot them.

UPDATE: 0/7 in-house commercials made USA Today’s Ad Meter’s Top 10 or Adweek’s 10 Best.

  • A Super Bowl first! Amanda Gorman, poet who performed at The Inauguration last month, recites a poem honoring COVID warriors before the official coin toss! Next, a healthcare professional referenced in the poem is chosen to do the coin toss. 
  • Coin toss: Kansas City wins toss but defers!
  • First commercial of note: M&Ms.
  • Oh look, the birth of another streaming service: Paramount+. Stars from a number of its movies/series trek to the top of the iconic mountain, and the journey is funny. Someone get poor Snookie some oxygen. 
  • 1st score goes to KC: 3 points via a field goal.
  • Super weird Doritos 3D commercial starring Matthew McConaughey.
  • Funny commercial from GM featuring its latest rebrand.
  • FIRST TOUCHDOWN! Via Gronkowski. Extra point to boot. 7 – 3 at 7:12 pm.
  • “Bud Light Legends” commercial is 10/10 lame but probably not in-house, so there’s no excuse.
  • “Melon Mountain Dew” intro: Bizarre pepto bismol-coated world. A car trunk pops open and bottles of Melon MD roll out onto the street. If you can guess the correct number of bottles correctly, you’re entered to WIN $1 million.
  • Okay, almost ugly cried at indeed’s commercial, focused on helping people find jobs.
  • “Bud Light Lemonade Seltzer”: Approve. An apocalyptic number of lemons showers the world and you’re supposed to know what to make with them, wink, wink.
  • Rocket Market was funny (home buying approval).
  • Oatley Milk: “Wooow, woooow, no cow” song. Reminds me of E*Trade’s “Monkey” commercial from 2000, when they also wasted millions of dollars.
  • Huggies “We got you, baby” felt like a glimpse at a refreshing rebrand. Still doesn’t give me baby fever, but I will give it two thumbs up.
  • 7:48: TOUCHDOWN for Buccaneers! SAME GUY, Gronkowski. Extra point > 3 – 14.
  • Toyota + Team USA: Really inspiring story and gorgeously art directed.
  • E*TRADE: “This might be the year you get in shape… financially.” Adorable.
  • Hellman’s Mayo “Make taste, not waste” with Amy Schumer. Not only because mayo is a legitimate phobia of mine, but this wasn’t good. But love you though, Amy!
  • Just spotted “DUDE WITH A SIGN” in the crowd! Wait, sponsored Bud Light Lemonade seltzer content? Sellout.
  • Jimmy John’s “Meet the King” (of cold cuts, Brad Garrett): So000 funny and an appropriately epic production. NO WAY this is in-house. 
  • 8:13: TOUCHDOWN! 21 – 6

HALFTIME

  • The Weeknd’s performance: A choir of droid angels? So many viral memes in the making (personal favorite below). A lot of motion sickness. 

2ND HALF

  • Interest is waning.
  • Got distracted by chips and missed several commercials, but they’re mentioned in our Top 5 below.
  • Correctly called three of the in-house commercials:
  • Skechers “Goes to the Max” (Tony Romo and wife team, so bad).
  • Logitech’s “Defy Logic” manifesto (On behalf of the universe, we don’t need any more brand manifestos).
  • Inspiration4’s “Join Us” plans to send 2 civilians into space. To be considered, go to inspiration4.com and enter a lottery. This feels kind of crazy, but also cool.
  • Best Shade of the Night: Fiverr ad inspired by the infamous Four Seasons Landscaping. “This is not a hotel.”
  • Tom Brady wins his 7th Super Bowl. Didn’t see that coming. Does a 9 pm bedtime hold the key to prodigy?

Not everyone agreed that this year’s commercials were worth ranking, but… we’re here, we’re doing it, let’s go.

#1 State Farm’s “Drake from State Farm”

#2 Amazon: Michael B. Jordan as “Alexa”

#3 General Motors: “Will Ferrell”

#4 Toyota + Team USA: Jessica Long’s Story

#5 Tide’s “Jason Alexander Hoodie”

FUEL.
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