The title says it all, habibis. I, a non-football fan but deeply nostalgic American, am here to compress 4 hours of the Big Game’s events into something you can read in under 1 minute. I also just Googled who’s playing! Kansas City Chiefs (QB: Patrick Mahomes) vs. the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (QB: Tom Brady). Any presence of Tom Brady energy forces me to call it for the Buccaneers. Which leads me to my final question for Google:
So I’m really here for the ads, and I hope you are too. In fact, we polled the team to create our Top 5 Super Bowl commercials of all time, and then at the end of the game, you’ll see our Top 5 from tonight. We’re LIVE! First up, from the archives…
#1 Apple’s “1984” (1984)
#2 Budweiser’s “Puppy Love”
#3 Reebok’s “Terry Tate” (2014)
#4 Snickers’ “Betty White” (2012)
#5 E*Trade “So easy a baby can do it”
Now, to the game.
- WOW. Are there a lot of people in the stands or? Okay, turns out 30,000 (of the 55,000) of them are human/pet cut outs. Each of these seats sold for $100, and those lucky enough to grab their spot/upload their pic of choice were also entered to win tickets to next year’s Super Bowl in LA. Anything involving positive plans for the future, here for it.
- The President and First Lady open the game with a Covid-PSA and moment of silence for lives lost in the past year + brave healthcare workers. This…
- Segways into the NFL’s own campaign: “IT TAKES ALL OF US.” (FYI, the NFL has committed to donating $250,000,000 to help end systemic racism.)
- National Anthem performed by unknown-to-me country star Eric Church + soul sister Jazmine Sullivan. Jazmine has taken us to church. Her voice. Her VOICE.
- 6:32 pm: I have yet to see a good commercial.
- KEEP IN MIND: There are 7 commercials in the SB this year created in-house, no Creative Agency involvement. This spells trouble (L-A-M-E). See if you can spot them.
UPDATE: 0/7 in-house commercials made USA Today’s Ad Meter’s Top 10 or Adweek’s 10 Best.
- A Super Bowl first! Amanda Gorman, poet who performed at The Inauguration last month, recites a poem honoring COVID warriors before the official coin toss! Next, a healthcare professional referenced in the poem is chosen to do the coin toss.
- Coin toss: Kansas City wins toss but defers!
- First commercial of note: M&Ms.
- Oh look, the birth of another streaming service: Paramount+. Stars from a number of its movies/series trek to the top of the iconic mountain, and the journey is funny. Someone get poor Snookie some oxygen.
- 1st score goes to KC: 3 points via a field goal.
- Super weird Doritos 3D commercial starring Matthew McConaughey.
- Funny commercial from GM featuring its latest rebrand.
- FIRST TOUCHDOWN! Via Gronkowski. Extra point to boot. 7 – 3 at 7:12 pm.
- “Bud Light Legends” commercial is 10/10 lame but probably not in-house, so there’s no excuse.
- “Melon Mountain Dew” intro: Bizarre pepto bismol-coated world. A car trunk pops open and bottles of Melon MD roll out onto the street. If you can guess the correct number of bottles correctly, you’re entered to WIN $1 million.
- Okay, almost ugly cried at indeed’s commercial, focused on helping people find jobs.
- “Bud Light Lemonade Seltzer”: Approve. An apocalyptic number of lemons showers the world and you’re supposed to know what to make with them, wink, wink.
- Rocket Market was funny (home buying approval).
- Oatley Milk: “Wooow, woooow, no cow” song. Reminds me of E*Trade’s “Monkey” commercial from 2000, when they also wasted millions of dollars.
- Huggies “We got you, baby” felt like a glimpse at a refreshing rebrand. Still doesn’t give me baby fever, but I will give it two thumbs up.
- 7:48: TOUCHDOWN for Buccaneers! SAME GUY, Gronkowski. Extra point > 3 – 14.
- Toyota + Team USA: Really inspiring story and gorgeously art directed.
- E*TRADE: “This might be the year you get in shape… financially.” Adorable.
- Hellman’s Mayo “Make taste, not waste” with Amy Schumer. Not only because mayo is a legitimate phobia of mine, but this wasn’t good. But love you though, Amy!
- Just spotted “DUDE WITH A SIGN” in the crowd! Wait, sponsored Bud Light Lemonade seltzer content? Sellout.
- Jimmy John’s “Meet the King” (of cold cuts, Brad Garrett): So000 funny and an appropriately epic production. NO WAY this is in-house.
- 8:13: TOUCHDOWN! 21 – 6
- The Weeknd’s performance: A choir of droid angels? So many viral memes in the making (personal favorite below). A lot of motion sickness.
- Interest is waning.
- Got distracted by chips and missed several commercials, but they’re mentioned in our Top 5 below.
- Correctly called three of the in-house commercials:
- Skechers “Goes to the Max” (Tony Romo and wife team, so bad).
- Logitech’s “Defy Logic” manifesto (On behalf of the universe, we don’t need any more brand manifestos).
- Inspiration4’s “Join Us” plans to send 2 civilians into space. To be considered, go to inspiration4.com and enter a lottery. This feels kind of crazy, but also cool.
- Best Shade of the Night: Fiverr ad inspired by the infamous Four Seasons Landscaping. “This is not a hotel.”
- Tom Brady wins his 7th Super Bowl. Didn’t see that coming. Does a 9 pm bedtime hold the key to prodigy?
Not everyone agreed that this year’s commercials were worth ranking, but… we’re here, we’re doing it, let’s go.
#1 State Farm’s “Drake from State Farm”
#2 Amazon: Michael B. Jordan as “Alexa”
#3 General Motors: “Will Ferrell”
#4 Toyota + Team USA: Jessica Long’s Story
#5 Tide’s “Jason Alexander Hoodie”