Super Bowl LV in LV Seconds

February 8, 2021

by Brittany Sinde

The title says it all, habibis. I, a non-football fan but deeply nostalgic American, am here to compress 4 hours of the Big Game’s events into something you can read in under 1 minute. I also just Googled who’s playing! Kansas City Chiefs (QB: Patrick Mahomes) vs. the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (QB: Tom Brady). Any presence of Tom Brady energy forces me to call it for the Buccaneers. Which leads me to my final question for Google:

So I’m really here for the ads, and I hope you are too. In fact, we polled the team to create our Top 5 Super Bowl commercials of all time, and then at the end of the game, you’ll see our Top 5 from tonight. We’re LIVE! First up, from the archives…

#1 Apple’s “1984” (1984)

#2 Budweiser’s “Puppy Love”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlNO2trC-mk

#3 Reebok’s “Terry Tate” (2014)

#4 Snickers’ “Betty White” (2012)

#5 E*Trade “So easy a baby can do it”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4GZfvXx9Js&feature=emb_imp_woyt

Now, to the game.

WOW. Are there a lot of people in the stands or? Okay, turns out 30,000 (of the 55,000) of them are human/pet cut outs. Each of these seats sold for $100, and those lucky enough to grab their spot/upload their pic of choice were also entered to win tickets to next year’s Super Bowl in LA. Anything involving positive plans for the future, here for it.

The President and First Lady open the game with a Covid-PSA and moment of silence for lives lost in the past year + brave healthcare workers. This…
Segways into the NFL’s own campaign: “IT TAKES ALL OF US.” (FYI, the NFL has committed to donating $250,000,000 to help end systemic racism.)
National Anthem performed by unknown-to-me country star Eric Church + soul sister Jazmine Sullivan. Jazmine has taken us to church. Her voice. Her VOICE.
6:32 pm: I have yet to see a good commercial.
KEEP IN MIND: There are 7 commercials in the SB this year created in-house, no Creative Agency involvement. This spells trouble (L-A-M-E). See if you can spot them.

UPDATE: 0/7 in-house commercials made USA Today ’s Ad Meter’s Top 10 or Adweek ’s 10 Best.

A Super Bowl first! Amanda Gorman, poet who performed at The Inauguration last month, recites a poem honoring COVID warriors before the official coin toss! Next, a healthcare professional referenced in the poem is chosen to do the coin toss.
Coin toss: Kansas City wins toss but defers!
First commercial of note: M&Ms.
Oh look, the birth of another streaming service: Paramount+. Stars from a number of its movies/series trek to the top of the iconic mountain, and the journey is funny. Someone get poor Snookie some oxygen.
1st score goes to KC: 3 points via a field goal.
Super weird Doritos 3D commercial starring Matthew McConaughey.
Funny commercial from GM featuring its latest rebrand.
FIRST TOUCHDOWN! Via Gronkowski. Extra point to boot. 7 – 3 at 7:12 pm.
“Bud Light Legends” commercial is 10/10 lame but probably not in-house, so there’s no excuse.
“Melon Mountain Dew” intro: Bizarre pepto bismol-coated world. A car trunk pops open and bottles of Melon MD roll out onto the street. If you can guess the correct number of bottles correctly, you’re entered to WIN $1 million.
Okay, almost ugly cried at indeed’s commercial, focused on helping people find jobs.
“Bud Light Lemonade Seltzer”: Approve. An apocalyptic number of lemons showers the world and you’re supposed to know what to make with them, wink, wink.
Rocket Market was funny (home buying approval).
Oatley Milk: “Wooow, woooow, no cow” song. Reminds me of E*Trade’s “Monkey” commercial from 2000, when they also wasted millions of dollars.
Huggies “We got you, baby” felt like a glimpse at a refreshing rebrand. Still doesn’t give me baby fever, but I will give it two thumbs up.
7:48: TOUCHDOWN for Buccaneers! SAME GUY, Gronkowski. Extra point > 3 – 14.
Toyota + Team USA: Really inspiring story and gorgeously art directed.
E*TRADE: “This might be the year you get in shape… financially.” Adorable.
Hellman’s Mayo “Make taste, not waste” with Amy Schumer. Not only because mayo is a legitimate phobia of mine, but this wasn’t good. But love you though, Amy!
Just spotted “DUDE WITH A SIGN” in the crowd! Wait, sponsored Bud Light Lemonade seltzer content? Sellout.

Jimmy John’s “Meet the King” (of cold cuts, Brad Garrett): So000 funny and an appropriately epic production. NO WAY this is in-house.
8:13: TOUCHDOWN! 21 – 6

HALFTIME

The Weeknd’s performance: A choir of droid angels? So many viral memes in the making (personal favorite below). A lot of motion sickness.

2ND HALF

Interest is waning.
Got distracted by chips and missed several commercials, but they’re mentioned in our Top 5 below.
Correctly called three of the in-house commercials:
Skechers “Goes to the Max” (Tony Romo and wife team, so bad ).
Logitech’s “Defy Logic” manifesto (On behalf of the universe, we don’t need any more brand manifestos).
Inspiration4’s “Join Us” plans to send 2 civilians into space. To be considered, go to inspiration4.com and enter a lottery. This feels kind of crazy, but also cool.
Best Shade of the Night : Fiverr ad inspired by the infamous Four Seasons Landscaping. “This is not a hotel.”
Tom Brady wins his 7th Super Bowl. Didn’t see that coming. Does a 9 pm bedtime hold the key to prodigy?

Not everyone agreed that this year’s commercials were worth ranking, but… we’re here, we’re doing it, let’s go.

#1 State Farm’s “Drake from State Farm”